Let it Be.

How much of humanity is one to take, till he realises its weak? I'll answer that question at the end.

Father, it might be funny that I can use you like a spring board. Many do so, not only me. It almost seems like moments... as its also seen in Judges... we fall. We run back. We run away. We fall. We run back.

Every single time that distortion happens... that disfigurement that drifts me away from you, many emotions drive towards me. Emotions of guilt? Of anger? Of fustration? Maybe also a feeling of confusion... of terror.
Yet, all the time, you are there. And I am allowed to take that spring board once again.

But I fear.

I fear that the air above might make me ill once again. Its difficult... yet so easy. Simplistically wonderful, yet awesomely complicated.

But then again, who am I to understand love? Who am I to understand forgiveness?

I ask myself many questions that make me wonder more. Could faith be gripped onto tightly all the time, with the same amount of pressure? If its in a new environment, faced with more trials, challenged with sticky situations... is faith existant with the same, unconditional surrender?

Is it a constant, or a variable?
Does it work like a refractive index? Or a mass that can change by manipulation?

Again, who am I to ask? I am, but to believe.
To believe, with faith. To fathom, with faith.

Am I still confused? Sometimes, I don't know...
Its like a 'tip of the tongue' syndrome. I can see the oasis, I know that its not a mirage, yet as I run... I seem to only get in circles.

Why do I type this down, and keep record of it here? Why do I seemingly hold on towards a device that would be shown to the world, but not the equationistic way to communicate with you? Thats why, father, I sometimes question the role of this blog. Perhaps, it might be clearer to me, this way... I can be aware of the conversational. Excuse or Reason? Time will tell me....

I'm sorry father, for constantly messing with the meaningless devices of this world.
For constantly sparking off rebellions to you at certain periods of folly.
For constantly not livning for the appropirate motives.
I'm sorry, that I fell.
Your grace, your love, your forgiveness. You. Thats what my focus should be on. Everything else that fades away or inclines itself, sorrowfully towards, is nothing.
I can never be numb to that. I can never be isolated away from that fact. I don't want to be.

To be lost in the meaningless multitudes of redundantness in the world... I don't want that.

The answer to the question.... Not much.